Growing in Tact

People tend to like people who think the way they do, share both their likes and dislikes. This is of course doesn’t mean that you should change your attitudes to suit someone else’s if you don’t happen to share his views. More important than being liked by others is to like and respect yourself.

People tend to like people who seem happy and at peace with themselves. This doesn’t mean that if you have a problem, you shouldn’t feel free to share it with others. In order to make friends, it is necessary to reveal one’s real feelings. The person who wears a mask and never allows himself to be known to others is apt to have a rough time making close friends.

While it may help to be good-looking, sometimes extraordinary beauty can scare others away. A good personality, a good sense of humor and an ability to care about others and to really listen when they talk is a lot more important than being the smartest person or the most beautiful.

Even when we do have something worthwhile to say, it is good policy to give the floor to others, by requesting their opinions and implying by manner and tone that their opinions are worth hearing. For whatever good conversation is, it is no monologue but rather a give and take.

A simple trick to keep a conversation going is to tack on a question to a remark, but care should be taken that the remark is brought in naturally and not dragged in just to make talk.

The enjoyment of each other’s company is the usual reason people congregate socially. People therefore should be careful to be tactful and not say anything that will be offensive and not to contribute to this enjoyment.

Here are some reminders for growing in tact. Remember to tell others about things you have heard or read that will please them. Wholesome jokes or anecdotes are very effective for friendly conversations.

Accent the “you” in conversation, not “I,” “my” and “mine.” Do not be boastful and do not resort to name-dropping. In other words, even in conversation, humility is praise worthy.

Don’t forget names and faces, if you can help it. Remember that the sweetest word to a person is his name. So, if a person’s name is Calupitan, don’t introduce him to others as Mr. Catacutan.

Don’t make fun of others or resort to sarcasm. Instead try to make everybody feel important. Acquire the all-important knack of saying the right thing under embarrassing circumstances. Replace inferiority feelings in other people with a sense of “we are in the same boat.”

There are some no-no’s in ordinary conversation: Don’t ask a girl how much her dress cost. Don’t as a lady, especially one who is approaching her golden years, her age. Don’t ask how much a person earns. Don’t harp on your ailments and problems. “How are you?” is a greeting and not a question. Don’t be sad sack in conversation, but be cheerful and kind.

When confidences are shared with you, guard them jealously. Avoid gossiping and telling about the faults of persons who are not around.

Once you see that you are wrong, be quick to say so. A quick apology will make your friends easily forget whatever wrong thing you said.

Listen more than you speak. When you let people speak and you listen to them with attention, they’ll think you’re the best conversationalist in the world. Be honestly and earnestly interested in people and enjoy what they have to say. When somebody is talking too long, inject questions or comments so that your mind will not wander and get lost in the process. Do not yawn when you are in polite company (this means other than your family) and especially when somebody is talking.

Read a lot so that you can acquire information which you can share with others. When talking with a group, be sure to include everybody in the conversation.

Again, remember that the following are violations of good manners and tactfulness: display of wealth, too much self-praise, over-free criticism, pressing the mistake of another, being too positive in statements, saying things that might better be left unsaid, giving advice and help that are not welcome, inquiring too much into personal affairs, giving inconsiderate or unkind remarks.